i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️