4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
