shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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