i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
