i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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