it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
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idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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