Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
