Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
