good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
