Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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