Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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