You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
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She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
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I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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