I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
