I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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