Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
