Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
