new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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