I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
wow bdsm is so cute
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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