so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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