I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
