Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
