When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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