Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If I die, sorry about rent.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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