He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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