i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I wish I only lived at night.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I AM VODKA MAN
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
