I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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