Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
