Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
