A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
