I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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