you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
