I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Are we still banned from the library?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
