Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
