I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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