the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
