Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
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I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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