As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
