my phone needs a breathalizer
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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