I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
That accounts for only three of the penises
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
