you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
