I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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