my phone needs a breathalizer
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My bed smells like the plague
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
