Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
