i just wanna soil my oats bro
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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