Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
