I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
