Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
