I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
