No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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