mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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