Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
