I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
