I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
