We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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