i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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